I am old enough to know that there are a few others my age that have not been subjected to some form of sexual assault, and I know this because I am one of them. On June 17, 2021, I walked into the most terrifying part of my life.

It took me long enough to realize I was sexually assaulted. The incident took place when my ex-boyfriend offered to drop me home in his car instead of a cab because you know safety first. Little did I know, the cab was safer.

Starting from random conversations to becoming a nightmare, it was the longest car journey of my life with never ending roads to get me home. The way he pulled me towards, and threw himself on me felt like a monster sliding against my body.

The way he touched and grabbed the parts of my body, pressing his body against mine, locking my hands behind taking full control of my body was no less than a nightmare. It felt like I was the prey of an animal. It felt like being trapped in a fire, with no sensation but only burns and scars left behind me. The only thing my body could respond to was screaming “NO”, I said no several times, but he said, “No, you’ll like it”. My “No” did not mean “convince me”, it meant ” I don’t want this”.

The incident was traumatizing, and my body made me feel worse every day. My body reacted in a different way, with mixed feelings of emotions like feeling sad, happy, angry, crying, talking, or isolating. The nightmares and flashbacks of the horrific day kept flooding back, I had trouble sleeping and started avoiding any topic, place, or object that reminded me of the incident.

I had severe panic attacks and felt out of control. I used to hide in the shower and cry my heart out, scream looking at my body hoping his touch to fade away from the parts he touched. I started hating my body, and everything that reminded me of the incident. I wanted it to get out of my system forever. I felt dirty and ashamed looking at my body and would start cleaning everything around me just to feel clean and better.

I became distant with my family and avoided talking or spending time with them so that they doesn’t get a clue if something is wrong with me. I was in no position to face them and come out with this because of the fear that they won’t understand me and isolate me at home. I would fake a smile whenever I was around people, but deep down I was crying.

I developed severe anger issues and started throwing things around me. I had suicidal thoughts too, I was out of control. My best friends showed up like sunshine on a rainy day for me. They supported me and helped me get through this, which gave me the courage to approach a therapist. I was diagnosed with PTSD. Therapy helped me deal with my issues, I started meditating and developed a coping mechanism.

I still get flashbacks of that day, have trouble sleeping, and get anxious whenever I hear or see a similar experience I went through. Some days are still hard whenever something reminds me of the incident, it breaks my strength. Since then, every year, the month of June has been the most challenging to get through feeling low and helpless thinking I could have taken some action against him.

Even though I haven’t seen him ever since then, it makes me anxious about how my body would react if someday we cross each other’s path. It kills me every day knowing the person who gave me a scar for life is out there free and happy. Whenever I look at myself, I could still feel the pain and possibly do everything to get it out of my system. But gradually, I have learned to deal with it and calm myself down through meditation.

I know my past can never get away from me the entire life but at least I can choose to not let it affect my present and future. I know I have developed a fear of love and commitment but I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.

I am not a victim for sharing my story, I am a survivor setting the world on fire with my truth, hoping to help someone out there just like me to speak up and stand strong.

-Garima Goyal